I'd like to consider myself a pretty sussed person, the sort of guy that can easily spot a scam a mile away. For instance, these touring competitions, the Battle of the Bands type things, where the (normally shit) bands generate their own ticket sales. It's a brilliant scam; mum, sister, auntie Nellie, uncle Ted, plus all the mates and their other halves; they fill the venues and buy the tickets. They applaud by section, all very neatly segregated. You won't see an independent punter in the place! A great moneymaking scam, manipulating people's egos by putting them on a stage and making money out of it to boot. I'd never fall for that.

Then there's our industry's awards shows. Just think about it. It's exactly the same scam: “you've been nominated, come and see if you've won; only a few tickets left!” So we all buy tickets, the more corporate buying tables, we turn up (some dressed as kippers), eat crap food around a table of 12 that's meant for eight, sit through hours of awards such as "Best Toilet In A Previously Flooded Field”; “Best Venue In A Country Previously Known As The USSR”; “Best Very Small Singer's Mother With A Slight Limp”, etc. The more awards, the more nominees, the more potential winners and so the more seats sold. Maybe I have fallen for that one on a few occasions...

Have I ever won anything? Now that'd be telling, although a good friend of mine was runner up last year in the “Biggest Front Of House Audio Setup For Someone Who Is Effectively Totally Deaf ” category. He was gutted that he didn't win, although he might have missed the announcement? Either way, sadly he's no longer with us.

And talking about death, whilst I'm on the subject, isn't it amazing how many people are dying right now? Not only my mate above, but in general. And don't you think it's equally amazing how when you're brown bread, you automatically become the best person that's ever lived? It's worked for so many people in music! And they've not only increased their popularity since passing from this life to the next, most of them have sold more product! Who's next, I wonder..? Hopefully not me...